Cycle
by planet p
Summary: River wants a baby. Please, no children, only for adults! River/Jayne, Simon/Kaylee
1. Chapter 1

**Cycle** by planet p

**Disclaimer** I don't own _Firefly_ or any of its characters.

* * *

River woke in the middle of the sleep cycle, and was unable to get back to sleep. She lay listening to Simon's breathing, and feeling faintly irritated with her sleeplessness.

It was day's later, as they were walking through a busy shopping complex on one of flashier planets, that she realised, as she watched mothers and fathers with children, that what she wanted was a baby. A real life baby of her own.

But a baby didn't come about by itself, she knew. A man was needed to help with that.

As River sat down at a table in one of the little eating houses in the complex, she set about thinking about the man that she'd need to find to help her in her task. She'd want him to have honest eyes, like the Captain, Mal, and he'd have to be handsome and strapping, and she definitely wanted him to be kind and gentle. She'd never pick anyone who was mean and rough.

Across the table, Zoe sat waiting for Simon to arrive back with drinks. Kaylee had had parts to buy, and Mal had had things to do, undoubtedly, as had Inara, and Jayne hadn't been invited, so it was just River and Simon and Zoe.

River thought about Zoe and Wash, and felt terribly for Zoe. She should have known, she realised. If she'd known, then maybe they would have been able to help, and Wash wouldn't have died, and the piece of Zoe that had died with him wouldn't have gone away.

She set her mind to other things, and began watching the people around her, thinking, again, of the man that she'd need to help her make a baby. Would she find him here? she wondered.

She imagined sneaking away with him, or sneaking him onto Serenity, but both of these things would make Simon very upset, and the last one would certainly make Mal upset.

Simon returned a while later with drinks, promising that their food would be over soon, at least, that was what he'd been told, though that was always what they told you, he supposed.

River sipped her drink and watched a children's programme on the television across the food court, though she was mostly watching the children watching the television.

* * *

She hadn't meant to River knew, she'd just been curious as to what the toy was, and what Inara did with it, it hadn't been about taking Inara's things, she'd just wanted to know.

She sat on her bed with the toy, thinking about how Simon and Kaylee would sometimes lie on Simon's bed, but how they'd never do anything more than cuddle, _because_ they knew that she was watching.

She sighed, wishing that she had someone to cuddle like Kaylee had Simon. She turned the toy over in her hands, and it slowly became clear to her what it was. As it stood, she didn't have anyone to cuddle at the moment, and she stared down at the toy, wondering what to do with it.

Should she sneak back into Inara's room and put it back? Or should she maybe use it, just for a little bit?

Maybe it would help, she thought. Maybe, then, she wouldn't be so scared when she found the man who'd help her make a baby.

* * *

When she was sure that she was alone, and would remain so for an hour to come, at least, she pushed up her skirt gingerly, and contemplated the toy in her hands. She quickly slipped off the bed, then, and slid her underwear down, her hands shaking, and found the spot with her hands, and slid the toy inside herself with a stifled cry and gnashing of teeth.

She stood, for a long moment, beside her bed, legs shaking, and bent over holding tightly to the edge of the bed, unable to move. Then, quickly, she climbed onto her bed and buried her head in her pillow.

She winced as she reached her hand down the mattress, sliding, palm flat, along the mattress beside her body, and then slipping underneath her stomach, to the spot between her legs. Biting her lip hard, she found the switch, and switched the toy on.

She jerked abruptly and clenched her fists in her sheet, pressing her face further into her pillow, and curling and uncurling her toes methodically, her legs feeling suddenly like jelly.

She tried to turn over, and moaned, plastering the pillow to her face, even though it meant that she couldn't breathe.

She wasn't stupid, she knew about sex, she just hadn't thought it would be like this, but, of course, this wasn't with another person; she imagined it would be different with a person.

She curled a fist into the sheet and trailed a hand down her body, pressing it between her legs, and let out a long, low moan that was muffled, somewhat, by the pillow. She continued to rub her hand between her legs for a while, then crossed her legs tightly, rubbing her hand back and forth over her abdomen, and doing her best not to wriggle.

She pushed a hand into her dress, and felt her breast, squeezing it a bit, and rubbing it with her hand. Her nipple stiffened under her hand and she moaned, turning onto her side, and then rolling onto her stomach, again, holding a hand between her legs.

Her pillow tumbled off her bed with the sudden movement, but she didn't get up to retrieve it. She pushed her hips into the mattress, moaning and rubbing herself.

She shouldn't have taken Inara's toy, she knew.

She rolled over onto her back, and slid closer to the edge of her bed to retrieve her pillow, and pulled it on top of her stomach. It was cold now, from being on the floor, and she tugged on an edge of it, sliding it down along her legs, and squeezed it tightly between her legs, bucking her hips gently.

Moaning, she drew her knees up against her body, still holding the pillow between her legs, and slowly pushed herself up into a sitting position, and settled her weight down on top of the pillow, fisting her hands in the sheet once more.

She jerked against the pillow, as though it were a horse that she were riding, and moaned loudly, bent over, pawing at the sheet desperately.

She rode the pillow harder, pressing her palms flat to the wall at the head of her bed, and moaning long and slow.

After a while, she lay back down on her bed, tired, and switched the toy off and removed it.

* * *

Later, she brushed her hair and went for a shower, and carefully washed Inara's toy and snuck it back into her room.

She didn't think it would be good for her if she took it again.

* * *

At night, she dreamed about getting married, about the wedding dress she'd wear, and the shoes and the cake, and, when she couldn't sleep, she sat up and switched the little light on near her bed and drew pictures in her journal, of the dress, and the shoes, and the tables lined with food, and the bright blue sky.

She would have told Kaylee about taking Inara's toy if she hadn't felt so naughty.

* * *

River was happy to be allowed into the drinking house with Simon and the rest of the crew of the Serenity, and, when she heard that there was music, she wanted to run over to where the other couples were dancing and dance too.

Zoe wasn't in the dancing mood, she was in the drinking mood, and, as soon as Simon, Kaylee, and Mal had settled at the bar – Inara was taking a call across the bar – she ordered Jayne to keep an eye on River, and instantly received a scowl and a growl in response.

Zoe wasn't in the negotiating mood either, as it turned out, as she next outlined to him that it was either that, or a bullet in his leg, and not necessarily his _leg_, but maybe his knee.

Jayne grumbled, upset and embarrassed to be talked to like that, and stormed away, toward River, who was standing watching the people dancing, wondering if one of the young men would come over to ask her to dance soon.

"What're y'up to, crazy?" he growled angrily, as though thinking that maybe she was up to her killin' things with her brain trick, and was trying to see how many people she could off before he stopped her.

River didn't reply but continued watching the dancers. She wasn't about to argue with Jayne when he was unhappy, because he'd just make her unhappy, too, and that would make Simon unhappy, and the others, too.

Jayne grabbed her arm roughly and spun her around to face him, a glare on his face. "Hey, deaf thing, when I talk to you, I expect an answer, you hear me?"

River stared at their shoes, instead of meet his gaze. "How can I hear you, I'm deaf, remember?" she mumbled.

Jayne shook her by the arm a bit, and dropped her arm, letting her go.

She stood staring at their shoes still, feeling a bit dizzy.

Jayne touched her shoulder with a hand and pushed her away from him lightly, perhaps thinking that she'd get the message without his having to resort to any more roughness.

River thought about the time she'd cut him with the knife, then turned swiftly back around to observe the dancers once more. If she thought about cuttin', then she'd want to do some hurtin', then she'd ruin the entire time for everyone.

She scuffed the bottom of her shoe on the floor, and waited to be asked to dance.

* * *

She'd been waiting for a long time, when she turned back to Jayne, thinking that maybe if she sent him away, just a little bit, then someone would be sure to ask her to dance. She was sure they were just too scared of Jayne to do so.

Jayne was staring in the direction of the bar angrily, his arms crossed over his chest.

River changed her mind, and turned back to the dancers, getting as close as she could without being stepped on.

After five minutes, she slowly turned back to Jayne, to see if he was glaring at anyone, and found that his attention was still fixed in the direction of the bar.

She turned about fully, and walked up to him, and placed a hand on his arm carefully.

He unfolded his arms abruptly and jerked his head about to see who'd touched him and jerked backward a couple of steps.

"Would you dance with me?" River asked him in a small voice, looking into his face.

Jayne took another step backward, and, a moment later, shook his head roughly.

River walked up to him and took his hand gently. "I think that you're feeling left out at the moment," she told him earnestly, "I am too, but if we're left out together, then we're not really left out anymore."

Jayne stood stock still for a long moment, then, begrudgingly, allowed her to lead him away, toward the dance space.

* * *

River looked at the sign posted on the wall, when the music changed, and she noted that it was the half hour disco pop slot. She didn't know how to dance to disco pop, and she didn't think Jayne did either.

She glanced around her as the dancers left the floor, and new ones appeared. She watched the way they danced, and let Jayne's hand fall from her grasp, back to his side.

When she returned her gaze to him, he was rubbing his eye, looking bored and faintly annoyed, and slouching in a horrible way.

She touched his arm to gain his attention and glanced away to the other dancers pointedly, and when she looked back she saw that he was no more interested than he'd been before.

She huffed, annoyed, and took one of his hands and placed it low at her back, receiving a scowling look in return.

She shuffled a bit closer and glanced down at her feet to make sure that she wasn't about to step on his shoes, and glanced at the couple dancing next to them and attempted to emulate their movements.

Jayne didn't bother to even try, until she pinched his arm, and he half-heartedly joined in, glaring at the other couple as though everything he was enduring was entirely their fault.

* * *

When the other couple moved closer, Jayne pulled her right onto him, knocking her head on his chest, then, annoyed, and embarrassed that he'd mucked up, held her at arm's length.

River rolled her eyes, feeling the gesture appropriate, and removed Jayne's hand from her arm and replaced it at her back.

Jayne scowled and pulled her closer again, but not quite as close as before, and River rested her hand midway up his free arm.

* * *

River thought about drawing in her journal, as she danced, and about watching Simon and Kaylee sleeping for a moment, when she couldn't think of anything to draw, or her hand got sleepy or a cramp, or her eyes just wanted to look at something else other than the page sitting in front of them. She thought about how she wished she had someone to sleep next to her, and watched the other dancers as they danced about them, then accidentally stepped on Jayne's foot.

She looked at Jayne to apologise, and noticed how close they were together, and felt suddenly hot.

How could she apologise when she felt so hot? She really just wanted to run away, outside, where it was cooler and she wouldn't feel so hot anymore.

She felt her leg bump into Jayne's, because she'd stopped dancing, and she realised that Jayne's hand had slid off her back and was resting on her bottom, and felt even hotter.

At first, she thought about placing her hands on Jayne's chest and pushing him away from her and running away, and then it occurred to her that she liked Jayne's hand on her bottom, just a little bit, and that she'd like her hands on Jayne's chest even more, and she felt her face start to go red, redder even than from all of the dancing, and her legs felt suddenly funny.

Jayne was too busy watching the other couple to notice where his hand was, she realised, and felt ridiculous for her thoughts. Surely she would be pleased with any man who danced with her, she thought.

Jayne stumbled, and pulled her against him to steady himself, and River felt her legs go sloppy.

If she hadn't stopped dancing, then Jayne wouldn't have nearly tripped, and he wouldn't have been holding her so close.

More than anything, she wanted to slap herself. She pushed down the thought of being as close to Jayne as Simon and Kaylee were when they slept, except it didn't really work, and she waited for Jayne to step back and allow some space between them.

* * *

At the song's end, River pulled away and spun about and made her way back to the bar, where she could see Simon sitting at a barstool.

After a moment, Jayne trailed after her, then, seeing that they were headed toward the bar, brightened somewhat.

Kaylee was sitting at the barstool beside Simon, and River could see that they were talking and smiling, and she could see Kaylee's shoe rested on the bottom support rung of Simon's barstool so that their legs were touching.

She turned quickly back to Jayne, and took his hand and walked away from the bar swiftly.

* * *

She marched out of the bar, toward one of the corridors that might have led off to the restrooms, or any number of gambling rooms or other such rooms, and ducked into a little alcove which was suitably shady, and pulled Jayne up close to her.

"You've been nice," she told him. "Maybe I could be nice now too, in return?"

Jayne peered at her through the suddenly darkness, and frowned.

River wondered if it would have helped if she'd written in down in his palm, and handed him a flashlight with which to read it. She stepped up to him, reaching up on her toes, and kissed him on the lips.

"What are you doing?" Jayne grumbled, breaking the kiss, his hands on her arms.

"I'm being nice," River pointed out.

Jayne laughed, the sound loud in the small space. "It'd be sufficiently nice if you directed yourself back toward the bar, and you allowed me to do so also," he told her.

"You have soft lips," River replied, gazing at his mouth and biting her lip. "I want to kiss them."

Jayne choked, and tightened his grip on her arms, as though to prevent her from kissing him.

"I bet you haven't kissed anyone in a long time," River said. "I bet I'm right."

Jayne shook his head.

River placed her hand on his chest delicately, then slid it slowly downward to the hem of his shirt. She slipped her hand up under his shirt, feeling his hot skin graze her palm, and slid her hand up toward up his chest, rubbing circles on it gently.

Jayne's hand loosened on her arms and he pushed her up against the wall, lifting her off her feet, and she wrapped her legs about his waist tightly, whilst he kissed her neck greedily, his mouth hot against her skin.

* * *

Jayne let her down from the wall ten minutes later, and straightened her hair with his hands, and they walked back to the bar.

* * *

River lay in bed, thinking about Jayne kissing her in the dark, and wished he hadn't stopped.

He wasn't such a bad kisser, and it had made her feel better for a little while.


	2. Chapter 2

River woke with a jolt. She needed to go to Jayne. It would all be better, when she'd gone to Jayne. She didn't want to – Did she? – but that didn't change the fact that she _needed_ to.

She got out her journal and her colour pencils and drew. It was late. She couldn't go to Jayne at this time, he'd be asleep.

She put down her pencils and her journal and put them away, and glanced across at Simon's bed where he lay sleeping, Kaylee beside him, wrapped up in his arms, and glanced at the door.

Would she be able to make it without waking them?

She had to try, at least.

She walked softly across the floor on her toes, and then she was out; she'd made it.

Outside, in the walkway, it was cold, and she shivered, and hurried along on her way to Jayne's room, careful to keep her steps light and swift.

* * *

Jayne was talking in his sleep, mumbling about a corridor someplace, and River reached over to shake him.

Jayne snapped open his eyes and grabbed hold of her wrist. "Run! Run now, Adelaide!"

River made a face, frowning down at him. She wasn't Adelaide, she was River. "I'm River, silly dummy," she told him, and he threw her wrist away from him, looking annoyed, and sat up.

"What time is it?" he growled.

"Time to wake up!" River chimed happily, smiling.

He turned to check the clock on his wall and scowled, turning back to her.

River sat down on the bed beside him, and looked across at him. "Do you want to hug?"

Jayne stifled a laugh, and glared at her. Sure, maybe he'd liked kissing her, but now she was starting to piss him off.

River leant over and kissed him on the mouth, and when he didn't stop her, she climbed up on the bed and sat down in his lap, and continued to kiss him.

Soon, she'd be able to sleep again.

* * *

She giggled when Jayne kissed the little spot in the front of her neck, and counted the ticking of the clock which she could not hear, but could see over Jayne's shoulder.

Jayne took his hands away from her back, and, a short while later, she felt his hands on her hips, encouraging her to lift herself up on her knees.

She let out a loud, rasping scream, a moment later, but it was stifled a second later by Jayne's mouth. Her eyes had gone very wide in her face and she stared at Jayne in horror. She really didn't want to do this anymore; it was different with a person!

Jayne held her tightly and kissed her shoulder, whilst she stared at the wall in shock.

She really wanted to stop now, but she couldn't speak. Her head hurt so bad! She hoped Simon or Kaylee had heard her scream and would come soon.

* * *

Once she'd adjusted to the rhythm, she concentrated on keeping down her stomach contents, keeping her eyes trained on the clock's minute hand, though she wanted to scrunch up her eyes, she wanted so badly to stop staring at that stupid clock. It was so stupid!

She realised that she wasn't quite as ready for the real thing, as she'd thought, and felt tears slide across her open eyes, obscuring her view of the clock face.

Jayne breathed heavily into the hair on the side of her head, and moaned, and she wondered if he'd stop if she told him the real reason she'd come to him. If she told him that it was just a way for her to get pregnant, that, since her eighteenth birthday, something inside of her had been triggered, and she'd needed to find a man to fall pregnant to ever since.

She hadn't even told Simon, she'd been too afraid to. He'd wanted so badly for her to be getting better, and she'd wanted it too, for him, and for herself.

She just wanted to be okay.

And then this had happened.

It had ruined her eighteenth birthday completely, and now it was set to ruin her life too.

She pushed away the sick feeling in the bottom of her stomach, and put some effort into helping Jayne along, and shivered at the jolt that ran through her.

If all went well, she'd only have to do this once.

* * *

She moaned and rocked in Jayne's lap, praying that he'd go through with it all the way, if she could distract him enough to forget that he wasn't wearing protection and that she wouldn't be taking any pills that might have a negative effect on her fragile condition and tentative wellness.

All she needed to do was to keep him preoccupied, but she was finding it increasingly hard to gather her thoughts.

She buried her head in his shoulder and opened her mouth and closed her teeth down on the meat there, not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to keep her mind on it, because if it wandered she'd surely end up biting him, and that'd be the end of her efforts.

She panted, and pulled him further into her with her hands on as much of his backside as she could lay them on.

Her fingertips tingled annoyingly, but she didn't pay any attention to them, and she unclamped her teeth from Jayne's shoulder and swirled her tongue about on his skin.

A short while later, she felt Jayne stiffen, and she knew that it was done.

At least, that was what she'd expected, but apparently he wasn't convinced, and lay her down on the bed and kissed her thighs and her tummy. She shivered and felt the warmth on her skin dissipate in the open air, until Jayne once again smothered her body with his own, and she gasped and bit down on her lip, drawing blood, when he entered her.

She made her hands into fists and pounded them on his back, and bucked her hips up to meet his, but all this only encouraged him, and she was soon panting and groaning, out of breath, and pulling at him.

Jayne was kissing her ear, when she felt her body spasm, and knew that this time, it was over. She'd done it.

* * *

She took a shower in the morning, and, finished, stood in front of the mirror, water running in rivulets from her hair, and looked her reflection up and down, as though she thought that maybe by looking hard enough she might know if she'd been successful or not.

Her eyes travelled up the mirror from her stomach, and she stared in horror at the dark marks on her neck.

* * *

Jayne cornered her in the kitchen, stepping into her path and backing her into the wall. "So, what did you think?" he asked, and River wondered how much alcohol he'd had to drink.

Anyone could come along at any time and see them together!

She planted her hands on his chest to push him away from her, and out of her way, and he stepped closer into her personal space, pressing up against her, her hands caught in his own and pinned uselessly to the wall above her head.

Jayne nudged one of his legs between her own, and she felt her stomach drop and her legs grow hot, along with her face, and her stomach.

She breathed heavily, and resisted any rash impulses.

"Jayne!" Zoe's angry, commanding voice rang out through the room, and River felt her heart flailing in her chest.

Jayne jerked away from her sharply, and spun about to face Zoe's angered face.

River allowed herself to unglue herself from the wall, and her eyes flitted frantically to Zoe's face, and she tried to keep her expression passive as she said, "Jayne was showing me how to do self-defence."

In front of her, Jayne laughed and walked off past Zoe, who remained stock still for a long moment, her eyes hard, before her gaze travelled to River's face and rested there.

River casually pushed herself away from the wall, and shrugged a shoulder. "I guess I'm not very good yet," she said lightly, with typical teenage angst and indifference, and wandered away, in the general direction Jayne had headed.

* * *

She caught up to Jayne in the corridor and pushed him against the wall roughly, glaring at him. "You weren't bad," she growled, "but we're never going to do that again." She kicked him in the shin – it was stupid, but she didn't know what else to do – careful not to be too hard on him, and swirled about and stormed off.

She just hoped Zoe bought her lie, for both of their sakes.


	3. Chapter 3

It was months later, going on almost three months, that they were invited to a celebratory party following a successful job, and River was glad to have a chance to wear the new yellow dress with the ruffles that had been a gift from Kaylee.

They dined in an expensive eating house for dinner, with a _live_ band, and were invited to a game of cards, later.

River declined the game, and stayed with Zoe at the table to eat dessert, and listen to the live band.

Zoe sipped an alcoholic beverage, and watched the others across the room, playing cards at one of the card tables.

The dessert was delicious and River was allowed to order an iced drink afterward, which she sat sipping happily, rolling the little umbrella around between her fingers, around and around.

Zoe excused herself from the table to step out to the restroom, and River glanced up from her drink casually, glancing around her in interest.

Perhaps she'd find a nice young man here, who'd ask her to dance, or sit down to make conversation.

She was particularly pleased with the yellow dress she wore, though she wasn't sure it went with the strappy red high heels she'd worn, and was starting to think that maybe she should have gone for the black instead.

Jayne returned from the card table, and she glanced around at him and smiled, expecting that the others wouldn't be far off, and looked across to the table, though it seemed that they'd only just begun the game, and she glanced at Jayne again, and frowned.

She put her glass down at the table, and got to her feet, the little umbrella stilled in her hand. "Hello, Jayne," she said, and Jayne turned to her swiftly and stared at her, then grinned, as though only just seeing her.

He walked over, and put an arm around her shoulder, grasping her umbrella-free hand in his own, and, a moment later, lead her away from the table.

She followed hesitantly, dubious as to the degree of bearing that his amount of alcohol consumption had on his actions, and glanced back to the table when she saw that he was leading her toward the dance space.

She remembered that he hadn't been the most skilled dancer sober, and she began to worry that he'd only hurt himself, and embarrass them both.

Zoe hadn't yet returned from the restroom, and she directed her gaze toward the card table where she could see Simon, Kaylee, Mal and Inara, but they were too intent on the game – Inara was laughing, River smiled – to notice her or Jayne.

Jayne led her right to the front of the dance space, to where the live band was, and, after a moment, River quickly realised that the intention had never been to dance. She felt suddenly stifled, and wanted to pull herself from Jayne's grasp and run to Simon and Kaylee, or to Zoe, in the restrooms.

She imagined Zoe standing in front of the mirror, staring back at her reflection, tears forming in her eyes because it was just her, and Wash was gone now.

She imagined running, and running into the restroom. She imagined Zoe turning, startled, and flinging herself into Zoe's arms. Zoe would keep her safe, she knew.

Jayne was talking to the band now, and River stared, frightened, at the security quickly making their way across the room toward them, and then, at the band. What seemed like only a second later, the woman who was the lead singer was waving the security away – it was okay – and River began to feel too hot, and she could feel her face turning red.

Jayne was pulling her up on the stage, and she tried not to go, but now people were staring at them – the band had stopped playing – and she felt stupid, and Jayne's hand was holding hers very tightly. She clambered up the small steps, up onto the stage, and allowed Jayne to lead her toward the woman at the microphone, who stepped backward to allow them centre stage.

River felt her eyes go wide, but Jayne's arm had gone around her back again, and he was holding her securely to his side, and River was suddenly afraid that she'd begin crying. The lights directed at the stage were so bright, much brighter than she'd first thought, and her eyes began to sting. She felt so hot.

Then she heard Jayne's words, and her heart froze in abject horror. "I'm gonna marry this woman," Jayne was telling everyone. The dancers, the diners, the patrons sitting the bar, and the band, the gamblers, and gamers – Simon, Kaylee, Mal and Inara. "By goodness, I'm going to marry this woman!"

River felt light-headed, faint, as though the only thing that was keeping her from falling down was Jayne's arm around her. She felt her control over her legs slowly slipping from her grasp.

Zoe was standing in front of them suddenly, at the head of the dancers, gun in her hand, and River wanted to fall off the stage, and right into her arms.

She was sure Zoe would catch her. She was starting to feel as though she might faint.

"Let her go, Jayne!" Zoe ordered, gun in her hand pointed at Jayne, and River felt Jayne pull her suddenly closer to him, and then the light had gone out, and then, right before she passed out, she heard a sharp noise she thought distantly might be the sound of a gun being fired.

And then nothing.

* * *

She was laying in her bed, on Serenity, snug and warm under her blankets, as though it had all been a dream, an awful dream, but she knew it wasn't a dream because she was still wearing her dress, and Kaylee and Inara were sitting on Simon's bed, watching her intently, and then Kaylee was on her feet, speaking softly, and River frowned at her, not understanding her words for a long moment.

"It's alright, River. It's alright, sweetheart. You're safe now," Inara echoed Kaylee's reassurances, and River remembered the gunshot, and sat up in fright.

Simon!

Where was Simon?

* * *

Kaylee smiled unhappily at Simon. She hadn't wanted to bring River to see him, but she'd been hysterical, and it had been the only way she'd figured to calm her down.

River pulled herself free of Kaylee and Inara's helpful clutches, and ran to her brother, throwing her arms around him and holding him tightly.

She'd thought something horrible had happened to him! She was so pleased he was alive, unhurt! If anything had happened to him, she hadn't known what she'd have done! She just couldn't think about anything ever happening to him!

Not again!

River stared at Mal, standing outside the door, and then looked up into Simon's face.

Simon frowned, sadly. "It's alright, honey," he said. "You must be thirsty. Why don't you let Kaylee and Inara make you something to drink? We'll need to talk later."

River stared at her brother in confusion – What was he saying? – and Kaylee and Inara took her arms, and led her from the corridor, toward the kitchen.

River looked around at them, and allowed herself to be directed into a seat at the sofa. "What's wrong?" she asked, confused. She could feel that something was wrong, she just couldn't feel what.

"Everything's fine, honey," Kaylee assured her, and she watched Inara hurry away toward the kitchen.

* * *

Simon was upset. His hands had started shaking.

River stared at him wide-eyed, and jumped to her feet. "They told me to!" she told him loudly, then shouted it, "THEY TOLD ME TO! THEY TOLD ME TO!" It hadn't been Jayne at all, it had been her from the beginning. But she'd had to! She hadn't wanted to, but she'd had to!

She ripped herself from their suddenly enclosing arms and raced out of the room, her hair streaming behind her. She raced toward the surgery room, and pulled on the door.

Jayne stared at her when she ran in, and smiled. She was sure wearing a funny dress! "She's dead," he told River, and frowned. "She's dead."

River stopped dead, and stared at him.

She heard running behind her, loud footfalls growing nearer, and nearer, and then she felt arms on her, pulling her back, and Simon's voice, "No, no, no, no, no!"

_Simon's arms_, she thought, _brother's arms_, and allowed him to pull her close.

She didn't want to hear Jayne crying, so she stared instead at the door, where she could see Kaylee and Inara standing, and behind them, Mal.

* * *

Kaylee listened to Simon telling her about Lady, Jayne's sister – they'd been twins – and snuggled up closer to him, sitting together on his bed – _their_ bed – watching River sleep.

In the morning, she knew that they'd had to talk more, and she knew that things would change then, but for now, she was happy just to have Simon holding her, and River fast asleep, and safe, across the room, in her bed, where she could see her.


	4. Chapter 4

River gazed at the tiny baby in her arms, a little girl, and decided that she'd be named Summer. You didn't get a sense of the seasons onboard a spaceship, though she often missed them horribly.

River was just nineteen the day Summer was born, in fact, Summer was born on her birthday. Simon and Kaylee brought balloons, Inara brought flowers, and Mal brought a big stuffed toy dog.

She smiled and wondered when she'd be able to see the baby again, and when she'd be able to show her to the others.

She didn't much like the hospital, or the idea of being away from her baby, but she tucked the thoughts away safely and told herself that everything would be fine, she'd see.

And everything was fine.

* * *

_Four years later_

Summer sat up a bit straighter on the couch, and placed a hand over her mouth to hide her yawn.

She really wanted to ask her mommy about her daddy, who he was, and where he was, why he wasn't with them, but she'd never heard her mother talk of him before, and she wondered if it was because he'd died, or they had a big, big argument, or if, if she asked, she'd upset her mother. She didn't want to ask if it would upset her mommy.

She wondered if she should maybe ask Kaylee first, and then, if she wasn't supposed to ask, she'd know from Kaylee's reaction before asking her mommy and upsetting her.

She could have asked her uncle, Simon, she supposed, too, but he was a boy, and she wasn't sure if her daddy had done something that had upset her mommy if it wouldn't upset her uncle too, because he was her mommy's brother and he loved her very much. She didn't want to upset her mommy _and_ Uncle Simon!

She glanced up at her mommy, sitting on the couch beside her reading her a boring picture book (the pictures didn't even more, or project or anything, so boring!), and clapped her hands together, signalling that she'd had enough of the picture book for one day, and that she was tired and ready to go to bed.

River closed the picture book and turned to place it down on the couch beside her, before turning back to Summer to take her hand and getting to her feet.

Summer stood up, too, and walked with her mommy to their room, wondering if her little cousin, Uncle Simon and Kaylee's son, Haven, was sleeping yet, and wondering when Uncle Simon and Kaylee would be getting married so that she'd be allowed to call her Aunty Kaylee, officially.

Her mommy and her shared her mommy's old room that she'd shared with Uncle Simon, and Summer got to sleep in Uncle Simon's old bed, which she liked because it wasn't a baby's bed. She was four, not _a baby_, though people usually treated her like one!

She climbed up onto her bed, and got in under her blankets and River made sure her blankets were on her bed properly so that they wouldn't fall off in the night and make her cold, and hugged her and kissed her goodnight, then reached over to switch the light next to her bed off, and padded across the room to her own bed.

Summer closed her eyes and dreamed of Uncle Simon and Kaylee's wedding, and the time when Haven was older and she would be allowed to play with him. She never got to play with kids her own age; it was so annoying!

* * *

In the morning, Summer spent a lot of time in the bathroom, brushing her teeth, and sat at the kitchen table quietly, waiting for breakfast to be served. She was very hungry for some reason, though she supposed it was probably because they were making a landing on a planet today – a real planet – and her mommy had promised to take her to play at a real adventure playground. She would need her strength for that, she supposed.

She never did know when Serenity would make land, and it could be a long time between landings.

She ate her breakfast wordlessly, and began fretting over her attire for the day. She didn't want to look silly, or unfashionable. The other kids wouldn't want to play with someone who was silly or unfashionable!

Of course, she knew that she wasn't silly, but she wasn't sure about the unfashionable part. She'd looked through a couple of magazines, though they were months, and some of them years, old.

She'd filled in all of the crosswords in the back, and had finished all of the word and number puzzles, and she'd completed all of her colouring and activity books too.

She wondered if her mommy would get her a new colouring and activity book when they landed, and if she did, if it would be a special colouring and activity book, like those she'd seen in the gift shop of a tourist information centre once.

She'd really like one of those special ones!

* * *

Her mommy had packed her Ogie Bar water bottle into her backpack before they'd left Serenity, and Summer slipped her backpack off her back and plopped it down on the ground and bent over to undo the zip and pull out her water bottle.

She took a drink of her water, and put the cap back on, and slipped the water bottle back into her backpack, wishing she had a water bottle that had something more exciting than an Ogie Bar on it. She didn't even like Ogie Bars, so she didn't get why she had to have a stupid water bottle that was a walking Ogie Bar advertisement!

They'd probably come for free, that was why, she thought horribly, and kicked out a foot and kicked her backpack. Even her backpack was stupid! It just wasn't fair!

She grabbed her stupid backpack and walked off after her mother toward the information booth where they'd find out where the super adventure playground was. She hoped they had a cafeteria, or at least a kiosk, she was so sick of water!

* * *

At the kiosk, her mommy bought her an Ogie Bar and a sandwich, which she hadn't even wanted – well, the Ogie Bar was a consolation prize for buying the stupid sandwich, it was free – she'd wanted a meat pie instead, but her mom hadn't liked the idea of her having something so hot, so she'd gotten a dumb, stupid, pathetic cold sandwich, which she hated!

She threw her Ogie Bar in the trash without even taking it out of its packet, and unwrapped her sandwich from the cling wrap it'd been suffocated in, and stared at it distastefully. It didn't even smell nice!

She contemplated throwing it in the trash after the Ogie Bar, scrunched up her nose in disgust, and brought it up to her mouth and took a tiny bite out of the corner, the tiniest bite possible. It tasted plain and yucky.

She wrapped it back up and dropped it in her backpack on top of her water bottle. It'd probably get squashed later by her water bottle, but she didn't care if it was squashed or not because she wasn't _that_ hungry!

* * *

The adventure playground was indoors, and Summer huffed, marching around with her arms crossed.

She wanted to go in the ball pool, but it had been filled with older kids who would probably have shoved her over if she'd even tried to join in, or would have called her mean names and provoked her to call them mean names back, then it'd be _her_ getting in trouble from her mommy, and not them, whilst their mommies and daddies didn't care what they said or who they insulted or demeaned. So the ball pool was a bust!

She wished she'd kept her Ogie Bar now, so she could have thrown it at the older boy who made a face at her, even if her mommy yelled at her for it afterward.

She huffed again and walked to the earthquake simulation platform to line up for her turn, wondering if she'd be allowed to have a puppy if she asked her mommy and Mal very nicely, though she supposed she already knew the answer, and that's be 'no,' so she wondered if, if she asked nicely, if her mommy would take her to a pet shop later and let her look at the puppies there and maybe if one of the workers would let her pat one of the puppies.

It'd beat simulated earthquakes any day!

She didn't even know why she'd wanted to come to the stupid un-super adventure playground anymore; it was so lame!

* * *

The earthquake simulation platform made her feel sick in her tummy and she went to lie down on the fake plastic grass, staring up at the fake blue sky – it was just the stupid ceiling painted blue, anyway – and wondering what a lizard looked like.

She thought she'd seen one when she'd been younger, but she couldn't remember what it'd looked like anymore, or if she'd even really seen one, or just thought she had, like maybe she'd read about it in a book or a magazine, and then she'd thought it was true when it wasn't.

She felt depressed.

She closed her eyes and tried to ignore how hard the stupid fake grass was, like lying on a concrete floor, but with a thin layer of green prickly plastic on top, as though anyone actually thought that kids were actually that dumb not to know the difference between stupid fake grass and _real grass_.

She didn't know about some of the other kids she'd seen around the un-adventure playground, but she wasn't that dumb!

She imagined her mommy jumping up out of her seat and running over, and all of the other dumb kids staring after her like maybe they were thinking that she was mad, and poor, stupid Summer, her mommy was _mad_!

Her life sucked!

She blinked open her eyes a moment later to make sure that her mom wasn't _actually_ zeroing in on her position as she thought about it, and noticed a man standing over her, looking down at her, and blocking out most of her view of the fake sky.

Maybe, if she closed her eyes really quickly, she thought, he wouldn't notice and think she was dead and call the ambulance, or something, and then the other kids would be really jealous because she'd get to ride in an ambulance when they didn't!

But the man had already noticed, and she moaned, annoyed, and pushed herself up into a sitting position. "What?" she said, "I didn't eat the Ogie Bar. I'm still alive, as you can see for yourself." She rolled her eyes. "Unless I'm merely a spectre of your imagination? Take your pick."

She stared up at the fake sky and wiggled her toes in her shoes, then dropped her face from the ceiling and looked back at the man. "If I pretended I was your kid, then would you get me a meat pie?" she asked, thinking that maybe he was hanging around because of all of the mothers, in case he got lucky.

The man frowned, concerned, and she narrowed her eyes at him, noticing the badge he wore with his name on it. Oh, so he was a worker here!

How utterly lame! Not to mention, totally embarrassing! "Bzzz!" she made an imitation bee sound, or what she thought a bee probably sounded like, and huffed. "You don't know what it's like!" she told him. "My mom's crazy! She _buys_ Ogie Bars, she doesn't just scarp the free ones!" She frowned and made a pointed face at the man. "Are you sure that's even _your_ nametag? It's got a girl's name on it!"

"That's my name," the man replied, holding out a hand for her.

She took his hand and he helped her to her feet. "Jayne is a girl's name!" she told him.

"Well, I'm not a girl, and it's my name," the man said.

Summer rolled her eyes and shrugged. Whatever he said! "Will you buy me a meat pie anyway, if I promise not to strangle those brats in the ball pool?" she asked conversationally, scratching her arm absently.

"I don't think your parents would like that very much," Jayne told her.

Summer rolled her eyes again. "It's just my mom, and as long as you say you work for the Ogie Corporation, you'll be fine!"

Jayne grinned and shook his head. "I don't know, it's probably against company policy, or somethin'," he admitted.

Summer cackled. "Boy, Ogie would love you, fella!" she told him. "You know, Mr. Company Policy, maybe you could come over and convince my mom that if she bought me a meat pie then she'd get a heap of Ogie Bars for free, or something. They're free, after all. And it's always my mom who ends up eating them in the end, anyway. She waits until I'm asleep, _or she thinks I'm asleep_, and then she gets them out of my backpack and eats them, as though she thinks in the morning I'll decide that it must have been me who'd eaten them, because elves don't _really_ exist, let's face it, and suddenly decide that I really _like_ Ogie stupid Bars." She huffed and made a face, as though to illustrate her point that she really didn't like Ogie Bars.

She looked around the playground complex, and then back to Jayne.

She shrugged. "She might be into you, you never know."

Jayne smiled, but didn't reply.

Summer stood around for a few moments, feeling stupid, and stomped her foot down on the fake grass when an Ogie Bar commercial came on over the radio. "Stupid Ogie Bar ad!" she growled. "I hate that stupid Ogie Bar jingle! If I ever met one of those stupid orange Ogie Bar mascots in real life, I'd probably kill them!" She waved her arms about in demonstration of the Ogie Bar mascot and scowled.

"Which one's your mom," Jayne finally asked, looking around him, and then back to the little girl.

Summer turned on the spot and started walking away toward her mom, and was glad she'd left out the part about how when her mom was really sad she sometimes hid in the bathroom and sat down in one of the corners and ate a _whole packet_ of Ogie Bars, because then he'd really think her mom was mad!

* * *

_As to River's daughter's name, it was either that or Sunny (I already have a character named Sunny whom I attached to, so it didn't really fit), so I guess it had to be Summer__, after all. At first, I was thinking maybe Serenity, but I wanted it to be something nature inspired like River's name. The name comes from the real life actress who plays River, in case anyone was wondering; I've never actually met anyone that I recall who was actually named Summer._

_I'm not sure whether that's the name of the actual bar from the film, _Serenity_, but that's what it sounded like to me (I may or may not have problems with my hearing) so I decided that was what I'd call it._

_Thanks for reading!_

_Sorry for the long notes._

_Maybe you could leave me a review?_


	5. Chapter 5

River sat at one of the benches and watched the children playing. She'd lost sight of Summer, but that was okay, because she could _feel_ that Summer was alright.

She'd have jumped out of her seat and raced around frantically looking for her little daughter, but that would have upset and alarmed _Summer_, and made her think there was something wrong with her mother. And Summer just didn't deserve that.

She knew, when Summer was older, that things would have to change, that she'd have to be more willing to exchange her true thoughts and concerns, but, as it was, now, Summer was just _a child_. For now, River was content to allow her to be so.

It was true, she was bright, if not a tad under-socialised, but River had been working on that, establishing _safe_ contacts, and soon, she'd be able to enrol Summer in a 'wave playgroup,' so that when they got close enough for reception, Summer would be able to interact with children her own age via wave transmissions. River was quite proud, and couldn't wait to tell Summer the news.

She was sure she'd be thrilled!

* * *

Suddenly, Summer was there.

River glanced at her pleasantly, her attention shifting from the other children to her daughter, who, surprisingly, was looking considerable less miffed than River had seen her last, when she'd been heading away from the ball pool, too proud (or embarrassed, or frightened of being picked on by the other children) to show that she was, in fact, miserable.

River had wanted to go to her and cuddle her, but she'd waited to see if Summer came to her, instead, afraid that she might in some way stilt her daughter's social development if she acted too clingy, and impressed upon Summer that she needed her, rather than the relationship being the other way round, or an even two-way exchange.

In any case, Summer was looking pleasingly less iffy, though still slightly annoyed, and somewhat pleased, as well.

River wondered immediately if she'd made a friend, and felt suddenly happy and light. It would be wonderful if Summer had made a friend, and if they'd be able to wave each other!

Summer turned to someone standing beside her.

Of course, it was so obvious, River wondered why she had noticed before, and recognised the employee uniform. Was something wrong? Had Summer broken some playground rule?

But Summer didn't look upset, and River thought that she would be if she knew she was in some sort of trouble, if she'd done the wrong thing, and risked hurting someone, or even herself.

"Mom," – Summer hardly ever called her Mommy anymore – "this is Mr. Jayne. He works here-"

Summer, of course, could have gone on, had River not stood from the bench suddenly and grabbed her hand and pulled her after her, feeling petty and horrible and mean, but _justified_. In the fraction of a second it had taken for her to register the man's name, and then look at him – properly, as more than just an employee (or another uniform) – she'd known it could _only_ be the best thing for all parties involved if they left.

"Mo-" Summer was still protesting as she was being dragged along, "he's single – and I think he's quite nice, if you ignore the silly name. You know, we could always just _call him_ Jay, like Mal. Institute change by repetition, make him think it was _his choice_, _and_ he'd like it better because it was being called to him by those that cared for him."

River remained silent, without comment, until they'd left the adventure playground – they'd had to stop for Summer to have her hand stamped in case she wanted to come back in later, before the admittance period on her ticket ended – and headed off toward a public restroom to clean off the ink from the stamp… couldn't be trusted, could have had something in it… had nothing to do with Jayne… wouldn't _know_ if he was working for nasty people… wasn't bright, like her… cared, in some ways, but not bright… sad, not equipped, silly… if the money was good, right…

She pushed her thoughts from her mind, as much as she could, and focused on her hands and Summer's hands, and the running water, running over their hands, through fingers, connecting them, and into the basin, and then the plughole.

* * *

"Mom, he was nice," Summer told her presently. "He never even said one unkind thing about your Ogie Bar obsession."

"I've no such obsession," River snapped, before she could stop herself, and continued scrubbing her daughter's hands furiously under the running tap, though the ink was well and gone, at least, visibly. "And I don't see what business it is of a stranger to know such things, nor what business it is of yours to be telling one such," she added harshly, glancing up into her daughter's face and feeling her skin.

Summer fell silent, then opened her mouth to speak again. "He wasn't a stranger. At least, not to me. How can he be a stranger, his name is right there on his nametag, plain as day!" Her face reddened in the first real sign of upset. "I never even got to tell him _my_ name!" She closed her mouth, and set her jaw, determined to remain upset for a long time yet.

* * *

Summer sat at a table in the food court of a large shopping complex, in a chair too high for her, and stared across the table at nothing, arms crossed in anger.

After a moment, she glanced sideways at Zoe and turned her face, ignoring her mommy, who was walking back over with a tray of food, and whispered, "She's mean!"

River placed the plastic tray down at the table, and, when Summer saw that she'd bought another Ogie Bar, and River picked it up and handed it to her, she knocked her hand – and the Ogie bar – away, and scowled.

The Ogie Bar hit the floor, and skittered away a bit.

Zoe glanced at River sympathetically, but refrained from comment, and watched River move around the table and bend over to pick up the Ogie Bar. She'd have liked to have said something to the child about her behaviour, and the fact that food was to be treated with respect, whether it was in plenty or it wasn't, but she didn't feel like upsetting her anymore, or giving her any more reason to amp up her already foul mood, so she took her food and focussed on eating that instead.

Summer glared at her special fruit salad the whole time she was eating it, and scrunched up her face at her noodle box, as though thinking that there was something wrong with it, and that it might poison her.

Zoe's gaze strayed to the top of her right hand, which was looking redder than usual, and thought about this for a moment, sipping her chilled coconut drink.

* * *

River watched Summer stomp unhappily to the trash with their tray and various items to be disposed of, and lowered her voice to speak. "Jayne's here," she said quietly. "At least, he works here. Likely, lives here."

Zoe looked at her quickly, mindful of Summer seeing – her back was turned to them, its posture annoyed – and frowned, concerned.

"She met him," River told her. "I don't know if she knows, but they've met."

"And what about," she paused, thought for a moment how to proceed, "Jayne?"

River stifled a short laugh with the back of her hand. "I don't care. He, thankfully, did not ask me to marry him," she rambled, as though it were all a joke to her, though, inside, she wanted to cry, wanted Zoe to hug her, but was afraid Summer would see.

"I suppose he only meant it in the best of ways," Zoe said, perhaps, against better judgement. "He'd had a sister died, been killed, for bearing a child out of matrimonial vows. Guess he wanted you to live, get well again, maybe."

River said nothing. She hadn't known about him having a sister, or that she'd died. She wondered how that worked, having met his family.

"Maybe thought, when you were well, you'd make up your own mind how things'd go from there. Let go, if you wanted."

River turned to Zoe to speak, but, at that moment, Summer turned and began making her way back to the table where the two women sat, hands free of the plastic tray, and her arms once again crossed obstinately.

Summer huffed, when she arrived at the table, and turned hardened eyes on her mother. "I want a puppy," she declared.

* * *

_I hope that helps explain some things__, at least, a little bit. Thanks for reading!_


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks to browncoat69 for filling me in on the name of the bars, Fruity Oatie bars, or the Oatie bar. For the moment, I'll leave them as Ogie bars, but if I ever write about them in another story I'll know what to call them.**

* * *

River watched Summer sleeping, and stood to dig out the stuffed puppy dog toy Mal had once gotten her, and placed it on her bed beside her. She couldn't sleep herself, she just kept thinking about Jayne, and how she'd have to let him in on that Summer was his daughter – it was only right – though she didn't know if she'd even be able to face him again, and she was suddenly shaking with nervousness.

It wasn't as though she was going to meet him now, but their business on the planet only lasted until another day, so if she was going to do right by him, she'd have to do it soon, and soon meant tomorrow, at the latest.

She returned to her own bed and lay down, wishing she could lay down beside Summer, but she hadn't wanted to wake her or accidentally squash her if she turned over in her sleep, or knock her off the bed.

She still had nightmares.

* * *

The next day, she sent Summer off with Zoe to visit a pet store, to look at puppies, and tried to console herself with the image of Summer's bright face when she'd heard of the treat that had been arranged for her, though every step that she took toward the complex in which the adventure playground was housed seemed to make the world darker, and bleaker.

By the time she reached the complex, she was shivering all over, and she had to take a moment to coax her teeth to stop chattering to be able to pay for the fee to get inside. It was silly, she thought, that she had to pay just to get inside, as, obviously, she wasn't going to be doing any playing on the playground, but maybe the charges were for the restrooms, or maybe there were other areas of the complex she hadn't seen, or taken notice of, like a gym or a swimming pool, or something.

She wasn't really all that interested, but, once she'd gotten inside, she headed for the large directory board anyway, hoping to be able to glean something as to Jayne's whereabouts, or as to the person she'd have to talk to to find out.

As it turned out, Jayne was taking a break, and was sitting at a table at the kiosk with a drink.

River only noticed him when, frustrated with the directory and information board, she turned away to find a member of staff to enquire with, and saw him sitting at the kiosk. It'd saved her having to ask about, she supposed, now all she had to do was walk over there, except she was suddenly feeling as though she wanted to hide, though there wasn't really anywhere good to hide that was close.

She might as well walk over there, she decided, annoyed at herself. If she just got it over with, then she'd be able to get on with whatever happened next, and if Jayne wanted to make a fuss, she'd be able to figure out what to say to him to stop him.

As she walked, she wondered if he'd really be surprised, or if he'd be angry at her, or if he'd want to keep Summer for himself and have her have nothing to do with an unstable mother who carted her kid around with her across space in an old spaceship running illegal jobs to pay the bills that kept the ship in the air and its crew fed, watered and clothed.

And, right, not forgetting, there was that tiny complication that her mother was wanted by a megalomaniacal corporation, and, just maybe, she would be, too, if they ever chanced to found out about her.

She didn't really take notice of what Jayne was wearing, or if he looked well or not, because she'd gotten all that yesterday, and she, instead, noticed that he was drinking coffee, and decided that she'd get herself one, too. It'd been a long time since she'd had coffee, and though it was expensive on most planets, she decided that it'd be okay just this once.

It was her treat.

She returned with the drink to Jayne's table, and found him still sitting at it, and took a seat opposite him, though he didn't really notice because he was working on something that looked, to her, like paperwork. Forgoing the, perhaps more polite, "Do you mind if I sit here?" she settled for the direct, "There's something we need to talk about."

Jayne looked up from what he was working on, and frowned. Oh, it was her. Right. "Talk," he said, simply.

River hadn't heard his voice in a long time, and it made her feel strange and warm at the same time. "The little girl with whom I came in here yesterday, my little girl, Summer, she's your daughter," she told him. She didn't see the point of skirting around the issue, she might as well come out and say it.

"She seems to be doing fine with you," Jayne replied, as though not at all shocked by her announcement, but then, maybe he wasn't.

River laughed; couldn't help it, it just came up. "That's all you have to say?"

"What else would I have to say?" Jayne asked. It was pointless, now, wasn't it? Summer didn't know him, and maybe it was better left that way.

"You're her father, don't you even care?" River found herself barking, rising up out of her chair.

"It's like I said, she seems to be doing fine just as she is, with you," Jayne told her.

She stared at him like maybe he'd slapped her. But what did she expect? she wondered. This was _Jayne_. Not her father, not Simon, not Mal. "You don't even care?" she clarified.

Jayne gave his head a shake, getting up now, too. "I don't know," he said.

River fought back the bubble of laughter working its way up her throat, and the thought of hurting him, but it only seemed to get stronger as she did. Forgetting about her drink, she stepped away from her chair and around the table.

"Did you expect something else? That I'd try to take her away from you? From the others? That I'd wave the authorities at the first chance I got?" He sighed, he didn't even know how to go on from there, and he didn't much feel like trying, either. She should have gotten it; she was the reader. If she wasn't, then it could only be for not wanting to.

He didn't think you ever got normal again, after something like that, and maybe she'd always been a reader, or had had the ability to become one, but had never had the impetus; maybe, for her, being like that was normal, and she just didn't get it because Simon plain didn't want to get it. Because Simon wanted so badly for her to be normal; if she was normal, then maybe he could be, too, and maybe the world could go back to being a little more comprehensible, for both of them.

Yeah, maybe it hadn't been as exacerbated as it had become because of the experimentation, but maybe she'd always just been a person sensitive to that side of the world.

It wasn't Simon's fault, it wasn't even River's fault; it was just a thing that had happened.

It could have been that, he supposed. Or it could have not been.

He was hardly the sort to know.

River's hand came up to slap him, but he caught her wrist easily.

"Go home," he told her. "Go back to your daughter, and the others. Go back to Serenity."

"You think-!"

"I know," he finished for her. He really didn't want to know what she thought he thought. He just wanted her to go; they weren't good for each other, and, if honesty served, they never had been, right from the start.

He let go of her wrist.

She turned and stalked away from him, coffee untouched.

He sat back down to finish his paperwork, and when she came back for her coffee, he didn't try to say anything to her, or look up from his task. He didn't think it'd be wise, he still liked the feel of her skin far too damn much, even the anger in her voice.

But she was a woman now, and he was older, too, and that meant they were able to make better decisions. He hoped she'd find somebody trustworthy, some day, who cared for her, but that was never going to be him, and he doubted that she'd let it be, even if he _had_ wanted it to be.

But maybe that was a lie, maybe, just a fraction of a bit, he wished it could be.

Maybe he wished he could hold her again, and, for the first time, it would be okay.

* * *

River left the mug at the table, empty of coffee, and stalked away from the kiosk. She was so angry, she never wanted to see Jayne again. Not _ever_. He'd not changed a bit, and she couldn't believe that she was even angry over it. She should have been pleased, she'd been proven right, but she was furious.

She got as far as the outside of the complex, and then fell against the wall. She couldn't go any farther, she was going to cry.

Oh, why couldn't he even care? Why couldn't he even care enough to be angry?

It would be better if Summer had never met him, she thought; better an absent father than a neglectful father, but Summer didn't know that he was her father, and, she realised, she would never tell her.

How could she?

* * *

"I did it because I'd been told to!" River flung at him angrily, as he stepped outside.

It seemed so her to have waited all that time for his shift to end, and he couldn't help but smile. He'd heard her words, sure, but they weren't what he was smiling at. He knew, that as much as they were true, in part, that, in part, they weren't true at all, or they were just a part of it.

"I was terrified; I'd never have chosen it to be you if there'd be any other choice!"

But there had been; there'd been some many others, and there'd been Mal. But even if they hadn't been plausible choices, he wouldn't stand around to listen to rubbish like that.

Part of him didn't even care that she'd been programmed for it.

Who cared?

Not him.

"I hated it!" He turned swiftly and strode toward her, her words getting louder as he did. She could just shut up now! "I was scared all the time!"

He threw up a hand to smack her across the face, and all the while she looked like she wanted him to do just that, like maybe that'd only prove her all the more right, but instead he did something else.

Instead, he kissed her.

She stopped ranting. He was kissing her; she couldn't talk.

He felt the warmth of her, the life of her, pressed to him, and he hurt. Oh shit, how much he wanted to hold her right then! How much he never wanted to let her go. Just to be able to kiss her, or hold her, whenever he wanted.

His hands found her bottom and he let one rest there, and the other on her back. If she had fought him, he wouldn't have cared.

He needed her.

But she didn't.

She kissed him back.

His heart broke, just a little bit. Shit, this wasn't right! It could never work.


	7. Chapter 7

She wanted so badly to stop herself, but she never could, she realised. She never would be able to. She was afflicted, and he was her affliction; her unstoppable, irresistible affliction.

Tears leaked from her eyes and a stream of curses ran through her mind. Fuck, they needed to go somewhere, they needed to fix this.

It was like she was dying.

Without him, she was dying; with him, she was dying. But it would be so _much_ better with him; a worthy, ecstatic death.

She was betraying herself, but so was he, and maybe that made it okay, maybe it was only ever what was meant to be.

She was broken, smashed all up into pieces, but with him she could be glued back together, for a while, until they left each other again. She made him not so bad; maybe once, before, he could have been one of the good guys. In the arms of each other, they weren't empty, and if they were, they always had something warm and whole to hold onto.

River laughed hysterically, the sound muffled wetly. (Her tears, his mouth.) They need to find somewhere, _now_.

* * *

He felt like sunshine and ecstasy; he blinded her and thrilled her. She couldn't keep track of her words, with him. She might have been saying anything, and it'd only have been hysterically funny.

She took him into her, and still she needed him. She needed more. Oh fuck!

If she clawed or bit, she was answered with the reflection of her own need. It didn't even matter, just this feeling, this feeling that they could share, and it was _so_ good.

She wanted to share all of her; she wanted all of him.

She screamed and moaned and cried, tears pouring down her face. She wasn't River anymore; she was something more.

She was a part of something more.

Something too wonderful for words to express.

Something she hated – when it withheld – and absolutely loved – when it delivered. It was both warm and cold, just like she was. It was exciting and frightened, but it could be comforting.

She held Jayne tighter. (He was going to have to be the one to save her, because she couldn't do that herself.)

* * *

The realisation came crashing down on him so swiftly it could have knocked him unconscious if it'd been real and solid.

_He loved River._

He loved her, and, if she chose another man, then maybe he'd just die.

He felt like laughing and crying at the same time, which was so unlike him, but he couldn't do that now, because _this_ was better.

River was better, and he loved her, and that was okay, he realised, and she was with him, and, right now, it was okay with her. He could hold her; he could love her.

And it was the _only_ thing that had ever happened; it was probably the only thing that would ever matter. (And that didn't seem strange at all.)

* * *

She couldn't look at him, when it was done. She'd fucked up in the biggest way she could ever possibly fuck up. She turned her back to him; she didn't want him to see her tears, now mixed with the sweat upon her skin.

Why couldn't she hold him? Why couldn't she just say it didn't matter? Wasn't there supposed to be second chances?

She felt his hand on the bare skin of her back, reaching out to her, and a delicious shiver ran through her whole body, but she had to tell it 'no,' not again.

"I love you," he told her.

And then she did cry.

* * *

She turned back to him and held him. She would never ever let go. Not _ever_. She would die holding him.

"I want to marry you," he said.

A lump rose in her throat; it hurt to swallow it. She nodded against his chest. "So do I."

"Would that be very stupid?" he asked.

River continued to nod. She was sure it would be very, very stupid! "I don't care," she told him. "I don't care at all."

"Me neither," came Jayne's quiet agreement.

River felt like maybe she'd just found something to believe in, someone to believe in.

* * *

"We're getting married," she told Zoe, when they met in the street, her hand in Jayne's.

If Zoe looked disbelieving, then Summer looked positively confused. Then she figured that maybe Mr. Jayne _did_ work for the Ogie Corporation. "Do I get a sibling?" she asked.

It would be okay if she got a brother or sister.

Zoe nodded to River and Jayne. "Take the kid, I need a strong drink," she told them.

Summer grinned. Maybe she could have abrother _and_ a sister!

Jayne smiled. "Hey, kiddo." Just then, the sun shone a little bit brighter on that strange, little alien planet. He'd come home, finally.

* * *

_Epilogue_

If Simon had thought there'd be peace on the wedding day, then he'd been mistaken. They absolutely could not keep from arguing, and making it up to each other again in ways that he shouldn't have had to _see_, at the very least.

It may have made Kaylee smile, but it made him cringe. Inara's face would always crease with worry, too, he noticed. Zoe pretty much reserved the right to keep her judgements to herself, and Mal was with Zoe; he wasn't giving anything away.

Simon did like the food, however, but better than that even, as good as seeing his younger sister so happy, was Kaylee's smile. If he'd believed in Heaven, Heaven would have been Kaylee's smile when it was just for him.

Aw, heck, just when he'd thought the wedding business could finally be over, he realised that he'd have to go and marry Kaylee because he couldn't imagine ever marrying anyone else, or loving anyone else.

Four months later, Summer's most ardent wish was granted. She was going to have a little sister.

* * *

_Icky sappy, I'm sorry for that. Thanks to all those who have read, and also to those who have reviewed._


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